Ev Bogue"Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it."
How to be unapologetic
As we move though the world, we need to be unapologetic with our lives.
The problem is, as our networks grow, more people request that we explain our choices to them.
There are two main types of explanations that I've found people want.
Why are you going to do something?
Why did you do something?
One is about the future, one is about the past. Both are equally time consuming to explain.
This results in endless hours of lost time.
For want of explanation
Many people ask these questions of me:
"Why did you move to X city?"
"Why don't you settle down?"
"Why didn't you do X thing differently?"
"Why did you untether from X thing?"
For example, I was recently asked by a random stranger over the Internet why I didn't attend an event in a far off place that they didn't attend.
A question like this is hard to answer. First, because I'm not going to be able to go back in time and change my mind. Second, because it could be asked about anything event in any place at any time. This question makes me second guess whether my decisions was right. Was this the event of a lifetime? If so, why didn't the person asking me attend it? All hard to answer.
So, I end up wondering why the question was asked in the first place.
When I ask a question of a person, I'm entering into a relationship with that person. Before I ask a question, I often ask myself: am I asking because I want to serve, or because I want to take?
Asking for an explanation often involves less giving and more taking.
Why explanations waste time
If people are asking me to explain myself, I imagine they're asking you to explain yourself too.
My first instinct is to react. I want to explain myself, so they will understand me.
Because it's my human nature to be understood. I just want a little compassion for my choices, so that I can get some external reflection that I made the right ones.
The trouble is that there are no wrong or right choices. There are only choices. Neither is good or bad, they are only different. In every moment we have infinite choices.
So, if I go down this path, I end up with a conundrum. If every single moment has infinite choices, and I have a finite amount of moments left before I die.
If explaining myself is on my mind when I'm about to choose one choice out of infinite choices, and I only have a moment to choose before another moment is eaten up, then I will probably choose the one I don't have to explain.
So, basically, planning to explain myself encourages me to make safe choices. Instead of the right choices for me.
Making safe choices usually results in a boring life.
This is why I've decided to choose not to explain myself.
How to Untether from Explanations
Here are some strategies that I use to untether when I've been asked to explain myself.
- Ignore the question.
The easiest method is to simply ignore the question. Hit archive on the email. Change the subject of the conversation. Shrug, and smile mysteriously. Often I find this works best.
- Explain why you don't explain yourself.
Redirect to a blog post about why you never explain yourself. This is a good example of a blog post that will solve the problem.
- Redirect the question.
"Why do you want me to explain myself?" maybe you'll get a good answer.
If there isn't a good reason for asking, why answer?